THE PSYCHOTIC PTA MOM

Even though I work outside the home, I do like to volunteer at LM's pre-school. Last year I was there quite a lot. I am lucky enough to have a job that allows me a schedule flexible enough to do so. I do it because I want to help the teachers. I do it because it's fun to see the little freak children running around streaking paint and other things all over the walls. I do it just because.

Now, last year, as I was happily cutting out shapes and making plaster volcanoes, I met another mom. This mom? She is one of 'those' moms. The mom who has one child and doesn't work outside the home. The mom whose life neurotically revolves around her one child. The mom who should reeealllly have a job outside the home. The mom all of us other moms see and really really really hope we aren't like.

So what do I do? Well, being the gloriously lovely person that I am, I sort of befriend her. I mean, she's nice enough. Give her a couple vicodin and a glass of wine and I bet she'd be a riot. Also, since I was seeing her all the time at school, it made sense at the time. At the time it made sense.

Little did I know that my simple befriending would catapult me into her 'high class' playdates and a brief stint in the PTA. Sounds nice enough, yes? No. No no no no no no no no no.

The school year was ending and of course the PTA was gearing up for next year. I was asked to fill her position in the PTA because she was going to be our fearless president. She was going to be president but not without a 'fight' because although she is effing neurotic and has too much free time perfect for the position, she 'claimed' she didn't want to do it. Every time someone would ask her she would spout a protest so transparent it made a window pane look like a piece of coal. Eventually though she accepted. Duh.

Little did anyone know that this presidential position would launch her already neurotic personality into something unimaginable and never before seen here on earth. She became a PTA mom nightmare. Nightmare.

Now, from here on out I can only attest to my own personal experience with this robot mom. Perhaps it was because I took over her old position, perhaps it was because I am younger than she is... whatever it is, nothing I could do was good enough. In fact, she wouldn't even allow me to do anything without supervising me like I was a freaky little pre-schooler myself. Literally.

And on top of that, she always had some bitchy response to anything I said or did. I don't even have to tell you how difficult it was to refrain from telling her where she could stick her bake sale muffins.

This, of course caused me to launch into a mimosa drinking frenzy on a way too regular basis. It got so bad that I actually resigned before the school year even started in order to keep myself from turning a glorious shade of orangey yellow from all the mimosas.

It was a personal decision based on the fact that I prefer to handle only 'necessary' drama and currently I am all stocked up on ex-husband drama , therefore I have no more availability for such things like neurotic PTA moms.

My resignation, unbeknownst to me, launched a giant rumour mill amongst the other moms who need jobs. Because I was so tight lipped about why I left (small town equals great necessity to be diplomatic), these women (who, by the way are a good eight years older than me) felt it incumbent upon themselves to create 'reasons' why I left.

It was quite entertaining actually. Entertaining because 1. It was kind of like I was a celebrity reading about myself on the cover of US Weekly or OK magazine and 2. These women are older than me and spreading rumours! Really? That happens? My whole life I have been operating under the assumption that once you reached a certain age your 'need' to create bullshit drama automatically went away. Kind of like menopause or something. Guess not.

So, fast forward four months to current time. I still have to see her every once in a while and it's really interesting because she is super nice to me. Like, super duper nice to me. Quite the change from the dismissive condescending amazingness that she was during my short stint in the PTA.

She was probably just jealous because I am basically amazing, would have done a better job than she and am clearly not full of myself at all.

xoxo, Mae

WHAT ABOUT MIMOSAS???

It's like, drinking but you're not really drinking because you're drinking orange juice. That's fizzy. FIZZY!!!! I say, I'm usually a purist but I am recently lurving the mimosa. Aka the mOmosa. Aka the thing moms drink 'relatively' early to 'relax' after their children wake up. I say 'relatively' because it's seriously relative. I say children because this could be 'actual' children or husband or co-workers.

The point is, mimosa or 'momosa', should you choose, is totally fantastical and, dare I say? Acceptable. Oh snap!

(Editor's note: this Google picture is totally gay because CLEARLY there is far far FAR too much orange juice in these two mimosas. Like, tragically too much. Serious party foul.) Oh, next time I'll take a picture of my own lame mimosa (which has way more champagne {way more!!!!!} than these)

Perhaps slightly more acceptable to enjoy in the morning? Why am I even question marking that shit? As a mom? Yes. the end and scene. Not before you take your kids to school (or daycare or whatnot), of course... but after? Herpaps Perhaps? Just one? Or nine? (ah hehehe)

Oh! alright...I will save that explanation for the 'playdate' post. Aka the 'mommys get together and have wine group'. Oh. Soon. So so soon.

xoxo, Mae

A NECESSITY

Editor's note: before we get started I just want to make it very clear, regardless of how it may sound I DO NOT, under any circumstances, condone drinking and driving. Not. At. All.

Thank you, and now we shall proceed :)
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There are some things, in the world of being a mommy (or parent in general) that is just necessary. One of those things is the to-go cup, also known as 'TGC', 'Roadie', 'Mommy Coffee'... you get it. The TGC, I have found is more common than you think. Or, at least, more common than I ever thought!

Ahhh, I remember my first TGC like it was yesterday. I had headed over to my girlfriend's house to pick her up for a little outing. I was very recently separated (story for another time) and must have looked like I needed a drink in a bad way because my girlfriend, (also known as 'sister saint of the mimosas') opened her door, took one look at me and said, 'Ooh, looks like you could use a to-go cup.'

'A to-go cup? For what? Will we be eating sunflower seeds and need a place to spit the shells?' I had never heard of such a thing, unless it came out of a little window at a drive-thru coffee stand. She nodded her head, as if confirming her own statement, pulled out a bag and started packing.

So once we got to our destination, I parked the car and she pulled out two bright red keg cups. You know the ones. Come on, I know you do. The ones that come in the wide color variety of blue or red. The ones typically filled with beer or some other alcoholic beverage. Does anyone fill them with anything else? And why is that?

So she pulled out these cups and a bottle of wine. A bottle of wine! Then she opened the wine and filled the cups with wine. Wine! I am trying to explain to you how utterly flabbergasted I was that 'people actually do this' I had been rocked to the core for sure.

Keep in mind, at the time I was not nearly the seasoned mother (or person, I guess) that I am today; and I had never ever heard of drinking wine while shopping at the mall. But I loved it. And knew I would probably be good at it. And then I thought, 'why didn't I think of that?'

During this whole process, my dear friend, sister saint of the mimosas, continued on about how she couldn't believe I hadn't ever heard of the infamous to-go cup. She also proceeded to assure me that it had been around for centuries, soothing harried mothers around the world.

Nowadays, the TGC comes in many forms: eco-friendly reusable coffee cups, disposable coffee cups, water bottles, heck I have even seen the TGC 'disguised' as a sippy cup. Editor's note: if you use a sippy cup as your TGC, please ensure your child does not unknowingly take it from you, assuming it is his/her apple juice. 

And the purpose of the TGC? Why, making more fun (or less stress, at the very least) out of playdates, kid's birthday parties, trips to the park, trick-or-treating, shopping at the mall etc... you name it.

xoxo, Mae